The Ejiko Hotaru Tourture Show!
by Ejineko
Summary: I take all my fave anime characters and give thm a dose of total insanity!
1. Ah, the joys of firearms

Disclaimer: Lets get this straight. No one but  
Ejiko, Kitsune, Spandex Warrior and Big Voice Guy  
belong to me. Get it, forgot it, fuck you. (Sorry.  
I have no reviews for my other story and I feel  
forgotten.)  
  
Let's get this over with.  
  
*******  
  
The Ejiko Hotaru Torture Show!  
  
Ejiko Hotaru: Host  
Kitsune: Co-Host/Security  
  
*******  
  
Big Voice Guy (BVG): Welcome to the Ejiko Hotaru  
Tortu-  
  
Ejiko: *Backstage* Talk!!  
  
BVG: I am talking!  
  
Ejiko: No, it's my Talk Show!  
  
BVG: But the Title-  
  
Ejiko: Do I pay you to look at the title? No, I  
pay you to say what I tell you to!  
  
BVG: *Sigh* Welcome to the Ejiko Hotaru Talk-  
not Torture-Show!! Here's the Host, Ejiko!  
  
Ejiko: *Big smile* Well, it's nice to see you  
all here today!  
  
Random Audience Member: Why are we tied to  
our chairs?  
  
Ejiko: *Still smiling* Don't ask stupid  
questions. Now, let's all hear it for my Co-  
Host and Security Guard, Kitsune!  
  
Kitsune: *Walks out* *Crickets*  
  
Ejiko: *Still has a big smile* Did I forget  
to remind you she carries a gun?  
  
Audience: *Burst into loud applause*  
  
Ejiko: So, let's get started!  
  
******  
  
A/N: So, how's about givin' me some ideas of  
who to torture first? Anyone? Oh, I almost  
forgot. R&R means read and REVIEW, not run.  
Have a wonderful day!  
P.S. If you would like to join my staff,  
please request it in an e-mail or review. I'm  
always on the lookout for fresh meat! 


	2. Over the Counter Literally!

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the said anime. DER!! Idiots.  
  
The Ejiko Hotaru Torture Show!!  
  
********  
  
BVG: Welcome back! We've missed you all! Our first guest for today is-  
  
Kitsune: Hold it! Before we introduce our guest, we have to greet our newest co-host!  
  
Ejiko: Yeah, stupid! Well everyone, let's all put our hands together for: Sailor Dark!  
  
Audience:*The now-becoming-annoying silence*  
  
Ejiko: I SAID CLAP, DAMNIT!!  
  
Audience: *Clapping wildly* *whistles*  
  
Sailor Dark: Oh, thankyouthankyou-  
  
Ejiko:*sweatdrop*  
  
Kitsune: Someone found Eji's stash of sugar.  
  
Sailor Dark: Well, it was kind of just out in the open there, and I thought-  
  
Ejiko: Don't think on this show. It's not thinking that makes this show work.  
  
Sailor Dark: Oh.  
  
Ejiko: Anyway, our guests for today are the cast from Yu Yu Hakusho. First, we'll interview Kuwabara.  
  
Audience: *Booing, hissing*  
  
Ejiko: There will be no booing on this show. *Pause* Even if it is for Kuwabara. *Pause* Oh, screw it. Do what you will.  
  
Audience: *Resume booing*  
  
Kuwabara: Shut up!  
  
Ejiko: Yes, the ever-underwhelming intelligence of Kuwabara strikes again. *monotone*  
  
Kitsune: Can I beat him with my nightstick?  
  
Ejiko: Later. So, Kuwabara. How come the only useful thing you ever did was almost die? I was pretty disappointed when you just popped back up.  
  
Kuwabara: Huh?  
  
Sailor Dark: Why am I not surprised.  
  
Ejiko: Hm. I think there are a good-sized amount of Hiei fans here. You guys thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?  
  
Sailor Dark: You told me not to think.  
  
Ejiko: Oh yeah. Well I'll let you just this once.  
  
Sailor Dark: 'kay! Yeah, I think I know what you're thinking.  
  
Kitsune: It's rather obvious what you're thinking.  
  
Kuwabara: What are you talking about?  
  
Ejiko: Shut up. Release the Hiei fans!!  
  
Hiei Fans: *Flock to Kuwabara and rip him to shreds*  
  
Kuwabara: ...ouch...  
  
Ejiko: Not dead yet, huh? Release the Kuwabara fans!! *one person runs up and whacks Ejiko in the head*  
  
Ejiko: Okay, scratch that. Sailor Dark, Kitsune, this calls for desperate measures. I hate to resort to this, but it's the only way.  
  
Sailor Dark: You can't mean... that!  
  
Ejiko: Yes, unfortunately I do. You may want to cover you ears.  
  
Sailor Dark: I'll be okay.  
  
Ejiko: Hey! Hiei fans! *covers ears* *indistinct speaking*  
  
Sailor Dark: O.o  
  
Kitsune: O.O  
  
Hiei fans: *Rip Kuwabara's remains into dust*  
  
Kitsune: ...I never knew you had such a... colorful... vocabulary.  
  
Sailor Dark: I stopped listening after she said something about Kuwabara bending Hiei over a counter.  
  
Ejiko: D'oh! *flinching* Never speak of such evil on my show ever again! Yaoi is forbidden in here except when absolutely necessary.  
  
Sailor Dark: Like when trying to kill Kuwabara.  
  
Ejiko: Exactly. Now, let's take a commercial break so that I may cleanse myself from this impurity.  
  
*Commercial*  
  
BVG: Skittles. Taste the rainbow.  
  
Ejiko: I love Skittles!  
  
Sailor Dark: I love them more!  
  
Ejiko: I do!  
  
Sailor Dark: No, I do!  
  
BVG: Uh, ladies...  
  
Both girls: SHUT UP!!!  
  
Ejiko: You little bitch-!  
  
Sailor Dark: *gasps* You-!  
  
*Catfight ensues*  
  
BVG: Um... Skittles are...  
  
*RRIIIIPPP* *Shirts fall on BVG's head*  
  
BVG: O.O  
  
*More ripping* *BVG picks up something lacy*  
  
BVG: .O; Uh, uh...  
  
Kitsune: Is that what I think it is?!  
  
BVG: Well, um, I-  
  
Kitsune: You PERVERT!!!  
  
*cut to static*  
  
*End Commercial*  
  
Ejiko: Thanks for tuning in! As BVG has been temporarily...detained...we'll have to live without him for a while.  
  
BVG: *offstage* I said I was sorry!  
  
Audience member: Is that a different shirt? Are you and Sailor Dark even wearing b-  
  
Ejiko: Security!!! Escort this man outside, please.  
  
Kitsune: *picks man up, places her foot in his be-hind and kicks him out the window.*  
  
Sailor Dark: Anyway, our next guest is your favorite Fox and mine, Kurama!  
  
Kurama: Hello, ladies.  
  
Ejiko and Sailor Dark: *squeal*  
  
Sailor Dark: *Glomps Kurama*  
  
Ejiko: Oh! My turn! *GLOMP*  
  
Kurama: Well, I-  
  
Ejiko and Sailor Dark: We love you, Kurama!  
  
Kitsune: Take a chill pill, J****.  
  
Ejiko: Do we have Christian sensors?  
  
Sailor Dark: Apparently so.  
  
Ejiko: Sailor Dark, will you do the honors?  
  
Sailor Dark: Of course. So, Kurama, how are you today?  
  
Kurama: Um... fine, thank you... *getting slightly nervous*  
  
Ejiko: Don't worry, Kurama. We won't do to you what we did to Kuwabara.  
  
Kurama: What did you do to him?  
  
Sailor Dark: We don't speak of it.  
  
Ejiko: Sorry to interrupt, but we have to finish this in the next chapter.  
  
Sailor Dark: You've gotta be kidding!!!  
  
Ejiko: *shrugs* Nature calls.  
  
Kitsune: We're not even going to get into that one. See you later, guys!  
  
Ejiko: Tune in next time!  
  
********  
  
A/N: Sorry to cut the interview in half, Sailor Dark. Don't worry, you'll get your chance. Next time: Kurama tells all and we get to play around with Yusuke and Hiei a bit. 


	3. The Spawn of Eeeeevil!

Disclaimer: Said anime does not belong to me. Ejineko shall talk to herself in the third person now. Ejineko has not taken her medicine. Ejineko needs a ride home. All the way. (Think dirty, audience.)  
  
Warning: I have NOTHING against homosexuals. I just don't like Yaoi. (Yes, I know I spelled it wrong last time!!) This chapter contains several derogatory remarks about homosexuals. Please do not take offense, as I am not trying to offend you. I am now going to stop being intelligent, I am hurting myself.  
  
The Ejiko Hotaru Torture Show!  
  
******** Ejiko: Welcome! Today we're gonna finish Sailor Dark's interview with Kurama.  
  
Sailor Dark: It's about time!  
  
Ejiko: But people came back. Now finish the damn interview.  
  
Sailor Dark: Okay, okay! Kurama. We've heard of several... assumptions about your sex life. We just want you to tell all our audience members one thing. Are you and Hiei banging each other?  
  
Kurama: I...I beg your pardon?!  
  
Sailor Dark: Are you gay? A queer, homo, faggot, you know. A pussy, essentially.  
  
Kurama: NO!!  
  
Sailor Dark and Ejiko: We KNEW it!!  
  
Sailor Dark: Could I have one of your roses?  
  
Kurama: Of course! In fact, I have enough for each of you lovely young ladies. *Sparkly background effect*  
  
Ejiko and Sailor Dark: *Swooning* Ooh!!  
  
Kitsune: *Scoffs*  
  
Kurama: Here! *Ejiko and Sailor Dark stand motionless, gazing in awe at the flowers*  
  
Kitsune: O.o; *Blushing*  
  
Ejiko: Kitsune! You're blushing!  
  
Kitsune: *blushes harder* I am not!  
  
Sailor Dark: Anyway, Kurama, how come you feel the need to be so polite all the time?  
  
Kurama: It attracts women.  
  
Sailor Dark: O.O; Um, is that the only reason?  
  
Kurama: I like attention.  
  
Ejiko: Er...  
  
Kurama: By showing my sensitive side, I am irresistible to women. Then they don't fight when I-  
  
Ejiko: Um, heh heh, Kurama? I think your time's up now.  
  
Sailor Dark: But-  
  
Ejiko: Fine! He can stay on stage with you but he cannot disrupt the show!  
  
Spandex Warrior: I'm HE-reeee!!  
  
Ejiko: Egaoko!? What are you doing?!  
  
Spandex Warrior: Shh! I'm Spandex Warrior right now!  
  
Ejiko: Sure. Anyhoo, let me introduce my audience to Spandex Warrior, my dysfunctional but adorable sister!  
  
Spandex Warrior: *turns and shakes butt in tight spandex uniform* Come, my minions!  
  
Ejiko: She's our newest addition to our security squad. So, let's bring out Yusuke, our next guest.  
  
Yusuke: Yo.  
  
Ejiko: Right. Now, we're going to play a little game with Yusuke. It's called "How Long Can Keiko Slap Yusuke Before He Passes Out?" Bets?  
  
Spandex Warrior: Thirty seconds!  
  
Kitsune: A minute.  
  
Sailor Dark: One well-aimed smack should be enough.  
  
Kurama: Five minutes!  
  
Sailor Dark: You have a lot of faith, don't you?  
  
Ejiko: I bet about ten seconds. Let's go! *Puts on the 'Glove of Keiko'*  
  
Yusuke: What the- *Eji begins to pulverize him.*  
  
*Five minutes later*  
  
Ejiko: And he's finally down!  
  
Kurama: I knew he could do it!  
  
Yusuke: *Sits up* You stupid bitch!  
  
Ejiko: Spandex Warrior, could you?  
  
SP: *Macarena music and disco ball* *Dances the Macarena* Come, my minions! Take this intruder away!  
  
***Commercial Break***  
  
Ejiko: *scarfing Reese's peanut butter cups* Oh, ummmmph o uuurnng aay o eaa a Reaaaasses eught utter ugghp. *Translation: There's no wrong way to eat a Reese's peanut butter cup.*  
  
***End Commercial***  
  
Ejiko: Now, we get to interview Hiei. But first, as a tribute to Rekka's fic, 365 Ningenkai Road, Hiei will do something very special for us. He's going to rap "The Real Slim Shady" by Eminem!  
  
*"The Real Slim Shady" is rapped (is that a word?) and interview ensues*  
  
Ejiko: How cool was that!?  
  
Kitsune: That was awesome!  
  
Ejiko: Anyway, I think you're underappreciated, Hiei. You have such talent!  
  
Hiei: Why the hell am I here?  
  
Ejiko: *Flames in background and eyes glowing* I'M THE ONE ASKING QUESTIONS HERE, DAMNIT!!!!  
  
Hiei: O.O  
  
Everyone else: *Shrinks away*  
  
Kurama: She's scary...  
  
SP: Yep. Just thank God you don't live with her.  
  
Ejiko: *Clears throat* So, Hiei-  
  
Kitsune's Mother: I'm disappointed in the content of this show!  
  
Kitsune: MOM?!!!  
  
********  
  
A/N: Uh-oh... get ready for some real violence. The spawn of all evil has arrived. Egaoko, wouldn't you agree? Review me and tell me what you think. 


End file.
